Author Ruth Haley Barton writes of once being told, “Ruth, you are like a jar of river water all shaken up. What you need is to sit still long enough that the sediment can settle and the water can become clear.”  The week after I retired I was feeling just like that murky jar of river water. Truthfully, I had felt that way for months. But now I was full of worries and bits and fragments of work that I knew I had left undone,  concern for patients and coworkers I had left, busy work-dreams that have been my nighttime companion for months if not years, and anxiety about our planned long trip. I had so many questions and concerns.

Where will we go? Is God really OK with me just quitting my job and taking off? Do we have enough money saved to do this?  Do we know enough about RVing to do it for three months straight in remote places?  Can Kevin and I live happily in 150ish square feet for months?  Will the Explorer hold up to the extended stress of pulling its maximum weight?  Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

After months of working 60-80 hour weeks and having my life revolve around my job, I felt a little lost and maybe even scared.  I kept asking myself, “what have I done?”  All that river sediment was swirling and spinning and I knew I needed to take some time to refocus my energy and to pay some attention to my spiritual health.  I had already made physician appointments to see to my physical health, had lots of new things I was planning to learn for my intellectual health, now it was time to focus on my spiritual health.  I had felt a need to go on retreat for quite a while, and this was my opportunity.

Saint Meinrad Archabbey

After talking with some friends about options, I chose Saint Meinrad Archabbey in southern Indiana.

St Meinrad Church and Courtyard

It is a Benedictine abbey and one of only two Archabbeys in the USA.  They have a seminary and school of theology and a guest house where they welcome retreatants.  The monks there live under the Rule of Benedict, which provides guidance on the basic monastic virtues of humility, silence, and obedience as well as directives for daily living.  One of those directives is “All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ, for he himself will say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me (Matt 25:35).”

Saint Meinrad Archabbey Guest House

As a result, many Benedictine abbeys offer retreats and have guest rooms.  St. Meinrad’s has a beautiful Guest House.  People of all faiths are welcome, and as a former Catholic (now United Methodist) I felt at home there.  I arrived in my room after a gorgeous drive that includes a stretch through Hoosier National Forest, to find a quiet and peaceful setting, a warm welcome, and a clean, comfortable room with a stack of books, including a Bible, the Rule of Benedict, several books on Catholicism, and “Our Daily Bread” (a daily devotional) on a table next to a comfortable chair.

I had brought along my Bible, a journal, my new camera, art supplies (which stayed in the car the entire trip) and a binder full of prayers, reflections, articles, and ideas for retreat exercises.  I had brought the latter along to use if I “got stuck” as I had told my church friends before leaving.  Funny how I said I was going to let the Holy Spirit guide my retreat but still felt the need to bring along an insurance policy. Yes, my faith is fickle at times!

Liturgy of the Hours

After unpacking, I headed for the Archabbey church for evening prayer.  The monks pray the Liturgy of the Hours, also known as the Divine Office, which means they gather in the church five times daily for prayer.  Guests are welcome to join them. I did for all but the early morning prayer. (yeah, that is not a surprise at all, is it?)  They also celebrated mass every morning.  I attended mass on the last day, but no other days.  I had such mixed feelings about this, as I love the mass, and the celebration of the Eucharist, but since I am a member of another church now, I am not welcome to take communion at a Catholic mass.  I chose to respect that rule and to release any resentment I had about it to the Lord.

Compline Hymn

The chanting that the monks do is mesmerizing and soothing. I could feel the sediment of my life settling and I relaxed and gained more clarity as they sang.  At St. Meinrad’s, they use another version of the doxology that I love. It is so poetic! “Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as ever always before, so now and evermore.”  My favorite part of the Liturgy of the Hours was Compline or evening prayer.  It ends the day. One hymn that they sing each evening demonstrates the spirit of the service.   Although I only had my cell phone, I tried recording it and although it is a poor recording, it gives you the idea of how peacefully this service closes the day.

Monte Cassino Shrine

The following day, I took an afternoon trip to the Monte Cassino Shrine, on a hilltop close to the Archabbey.

Monte Cassino Shrine

The shrine was named for Monte Cassino Abbey in Italy, which St Benedict founded.   It was built from local sandstone and was dedicated in 1870.  It has recently undergone restoration work.

The grounds and the paintings inside were beautiful.

Monte Cassino Shrine

I especially liked the paintings inside the shrine. I took many photos but I don’t think any of them give the feeling of actually being in the small chapel. I lit a candle and sat and prayed for a while. I was grateful to be there alone. I suppose on a weekend it may not have been as quiet. They do have mass there on Saturdays. (You can see more photos at the Gallery.)

SUFFERING

An unexpected theme was recurring in my retreat: suffering.  Specifically, sharing in the suffering of Christ.   I struggled with understanding the idea of redemptive suffering.  As a child, my godmother would tell me, whenever I had some pain, to “offer it up” and, as a child, I tried, but never really knew how or why to do that.

Crucifix at Monte Cassino Shrine

As a hospice nurse, my aim was to relieve suffering, so when I came across a patient who believed that their suffering would bring them closer to Christ, I never quite knew what to do with that.  When the topic returned to me during my retreat, I laid it aside, but now the art at Monte Cassino Shrine pointed me back to it so I sat and prayed about it there.

I came to Colossians 1:24, where Paul says, “I am now rejoicing in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh, I am completing what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church.” I’d like to say that clarified things for me, but no, it only brought more questions.  I thought, “what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions?  Really?”

I continued to mull this over and over the next couple of days came to few conclusions.  I will have to continue to pray about it and study it.   As the sediment and debris settled throughout my retreat, I saw clearly only that there is much that I don’t see very clearly!

A CHILD’S HEART AND A GROWN-UP’s HEAD

I spent three full days and four nights at St Meinrad.  I read, walked all around the beautiful (hilly!) grounds, prayed, sang, took photographs, wandered through the seminary library and bookshop, slept, ate and thought. I also enjoyed some good meals and even some nice wine with the compliments of Brother Maurus.   I left on Friday morning with more questions than answers, as the Holy Spirit had some ideas that were not all that easy for me to grasp, and I am still working on them.  Apparently, there is no easy button when it comes to spiritual growth.

C.S Lewis once wrote, “[Christ] told us to be not only ‘as harmless as doves’ but also ‘as wise as serpents.’  He wants a child’s heart but a grown-up’s head.  He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate and teachable, as good as children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim.” Some of the food for thought that I was given at this retreat reminded me of that.

I achieved the goals I had when I went on retreat.  I remained open to the Holy Spirit’s guidance, explored ideas and concepts of faith that I had not before, and relaxed in the presence of my Lord. I did much more listening than talking and left for home on Friday as refreshed and renewed as cool clear water.

You can find more photos from my retreat at the Gallery.

Blessings!